May 31, 2016. What date was it? I thought it was the time where I found out that I got accepted into my dream faculty in my dream university. People doubted that I could make it to the Natural Science and Mathematics Institute of Indonesia’s first-place university. However, it was on June 28, 2016, that I got the good news. On May 31, I was sitting in a school bench doing the entrance test. Thousands of people my age were put together at the same place, same time, to undergo a test that would decide on at least the next one year of their life – or their entire life. It was a fierce competition, and I think from around 2000 applicants, only roughly 150 got accepted. I was glad that I was one of them. It all felt like a dream because no one seemed to believe in me.

5 years forward, my application to Potsdam was not that impressive compared to it. I still could not believe that I am entering Germany again though, the place I called my second homeland – but different city. Still 4 years in, I am complaining about the flatlands here. I kind of miss the hills of my birthplace. And as I sit here in a still growing and developing city, I sometimes go back to the past, and see how things were so different there, then, and here, now.

My memories of my bachelor’s time are foggy. But I remember how I always joined the fundraising division in my first year. The first semester of selling snacks was fun, my bubbly charm came through well to the buyers, and I was famous for always having sold out my assigned box. It was a good feeling. I remember being the person in the background, always there, but never making any big impacts.

I think that has always been like that when I was just acclimating into a new environment. Being silent, in the background, helped me understand the dynamics of the communities I entered. Some see the leader in me though, or maybe the more impactful supporting role. Eventually, I would get offers to take in more responsibility than an active bystander. This also happened in the Catholic student community where I am currently in. Then I see what needs to be changed, and I try to strategize and execute. With some tears and drama in between. Looking back, it might have always been like this, with some growth hopefully!

My main contributions were in the Jazz Club and Orchestra of my university. During my first year, I had to step into a leading position because the main organizer was caught up in an initiation drama in his department – but more to that maybe some other time. From selling snacks, I joined the “Household” Department of the Jazz Club. There, I helped renting our facilities to other communities. Each community have their own events going on, and they often need band-stuff, from actual instruments to technical things like a mixer, microphone, and so on.

It was fun in its own way. I loved how we all worked together for a specific outcome. Sure, as an outsider, I didn’t get to know the ugly intricacies of what the higher-ups did. But looking back, it is what I missed most from my early student years: Teamwork. Though I have to admit that I tend to be a hermit myself, there is charm in a group of people who could organize themselves, and even rebel if the leader is not doing what is needed or wanted.

I also did a lot of things in the Orchestra. Tried to do fundraising, but it didn’t work out that well, then I think I also became the main organizer of the election – the event I had to step in for the leader the previous year. All of that I did on top of studying, having a Japanese course, and going through my initiation process of my department too. But well, it was all too much, add my personal baggage and my lacking social skills, and it all went down to a very bad depression in my third year. Maybe that’s why it all seemed so foggy. I suspect my depression gave me a hard time remembering things.

Working with people is fun but also exhausting. Everyone has their own issues and if you don’t deal with yours, other people have to deal with them too. At least so I felt. There were some people who carried influence but caused a lot of anxiety because of their own personal struggles. I always said I was the one who had the carry the weight, but looking back, I might be one of those people too.

I didn’t do a lot of things here in Germany. The personal baggage got hold on me and I had to deal with them. I also joined an orchestra, and sometimes I liked it there, sometimes not. Somehow, I decided to be the passive bystander there, always there, never significant.

The Catholics saw me differently though. The Father didn’t give up inviting me there, until I gave in and showed myself there. The people were nice. Sometimes they were annoying with all their political beliefs. “This is too conservative to me,” says one. “This is too liberal!” But they weren’t the homogenic-loving people back then in my homeland. I quickly saw all the problems there are in the community and started initiating rosary prayers before mass. It was shocking to me how it got politized. I got sad, but after some talking, I decided to push through. Being there taught me that triviality might not be trivial. What I thought was a no-brainer for a Catholic to do was a topic of debate. But maybe it’s just because I am in Germany…

And reading so much about Catholicism and seeing all the beauty and ugliness that comes from its human members made me realize that the world doesn’t need to be black-and-white after all. It finally hit me that I didn’t have to see myself as a victim. It dawned on me that even as a bystander, I can make a chance. The Holy Spirit gives us this special privilege of prayer so that we can pray if we don’t have anything else to do. And if we dive deeper, everything we do can become prayer. And that way, even the most passive bystander can be the most active participant. I think I get now why I am told that I have this gift of prayer. It fits me too well.

Then I saw how homogenic the community is after all. There are many international students, and a significant number of them are Catholic. It would not be right to not bring the diversity into the group, so I tried my best, with my lack of human warmth. Initially, I only wanted a group meeting and space where we could just share about our faith, but it became a traditional Bible study event.

Back then, I didn’t know that you can act in prayer. In a religious country as my homeland, being the “intercessor” was daily-talk for someone who doesn’t contribute anything to the group, be it a group project or an event. What is now a blessing for me was kind of a curse back then. I had to act to not being called an “intercessor”. But now? I think I gladly become one. And if I have to act, it will be in prayer.

Well, looking at things this way, maybe things did change. At least I don’t juggle as many things as before, and the personal baggage has been reduced quite a lot, though still a lot. I am still the passive bystander until I am invited in, but I can see myself differently now. And then maybe I feel this longing for a front-liner who could do the human things in my place. I like solving problems, but executing is a different thing, especially if you want to be welcoming and engaging to other people. That is not my ace. I like interceding for other people, but I need someone whom I also intercede for.

Now, it is May 31, 2025. I still can’t believe I am here, continuing my path as a Mathematician. How will it go from here? Will I stay being this happy bystander who takes action every now and then, or will my front-liner come some day? I am not a princess waiting for prince charming, but what difference does it make if I claim to be a strategizer waiting for her front-liner?